I wish I wasn't always one step behind everyone else. I wish, for once, I had everything together in neat compartments of my life. I want to go to college. I know I was bad in math and was so horribly average, but that's who I am. I wish some college wants me. That some college wants someone so extraordinarily ordinary. 

I wish that the next piece of mail addressed to Miss Tina K. Harold was an acceptance letter from Idaho State University. I wish they were pleased to offer me admittance into their school and could offer me financial aid. I know it's not my first choice school, but it's only an hour away by bus; it is close enough to be there for Carly.
 
​I wish the plans I had for life would materialize.

​I wish for a better life.

I wish Dad could be here for my high school graduation. I wish he would pop into the gymnasium as my name was being called and as I walked across the stage I would see his bright smile and he would wave in celebration. He would even whistle that loud piercing whistle that drove Mom crazy. Then I would run into his arms, with my diploma, and he would scoop me up and say, "Congratulations, Scooter!" I miss that nickname. No one ever calls me Scooter anymore.

I wish he didn't have to die when I was only ten years old. I wish that he had been smart enough not to stop the car on the train tracks that morning.

I wish Mom didn't have to work so much... I wish she could be the Mom she was before Dad died and she had to go back to work. I wish we were a happy family again.

I wish I didn't miss him that much. I wish the pain of missing him wasn't so crippling.

I wish that tomorrow morning I would wake up and feel like life was on my side--that I was light and happy. I'd walk out of the house with a smile on my face and see Quinn walking down his driveway. "Hey, Tina!" he'd say, waving me down as he crossed the street. I'd stop and wait for him to catch up and he'll ask me if I want a ride to school. Of course I'll say yes... but very passively. Very cool.

We'd drive up to school and he'd park the car, but not hop out right away and walk off without another word. He'd hesitate and his hair would fall in front of his face so that he'd run his hands through it. I'd sit patiently and ask, "You okay, Quinn?" and he'd avoid looking me in the eye and nod, nervous about how I'd react to him.

Just as I am about to open the door and walk away with all the confidence in the world, Quinn would grab my hand and kiss me. "I've been wanting to do that since we were little," he'd say after we pulled away. "Do you want to go to prom with me, Tina?" and I would smile and say yes. 

And at prom he would show me off and everybody would say, "Is that Tina?" and "Who is that?" and "Who is that beautiful girl with Quinn?" and we would spend the night dancing and laughing and smiling. I wish for that dream to come true.

I wish I was beautiful. I wish that my waist curved and didn't look so boxy. I wish my thighs didn't jiggle when I walked and that my nose was smaller and my front teeth didn't stick out as much. I wish my hair wasn't frizzy or got out of place five minutes after I brush it. I wish little wisps of hair didn't come out of my pony tail and that I didn't have that mole in the middle of my neck that looks like a bug crawling towards my chin.

I wish my neck was longer and my eyebrows were even. I wish I didn't hunch over as much--that my posture was better. I wish pimples wouldn't pop up on my forehead and that my skin wasn't so red. I wish my eyes were any other color but brown. I wish some stranger would see me and think that I'm pretty. 

I wish I had confidence in who I am... I wish I was happy with being me.

I wish I had a shopping spree where I could buy anything I wanted. I wish I could buy brand new clothes and shoes that nobody has worn but me. I wish I could buy those cool purple fake hair extensions you clip into your hair and a fake ear cuff that looks like a garden fairy hugging my ear.

I wish I could buy an iPod and buy all the cotton candy in the world for Carly. I wish I could show up to school in the coolest outfits and always look so put together. I wish I had pierced ears and necklaces and a cool gemstone ring that looked mystical and magical on my right hand.

I wish that I could have just one new item. Just one. I wish I could walk into a department store and walk out with one new pair of shoes or a shirt, or stiff jeans that no one broke in yet. 

I wish Mom would let me buy those knee-high boots.

​I wish I could pay for them.

I wish Serena Matthews would disappear. I wish I'd show up to school tomorrow and she'd be gone, that her family moved in the middle of the night, or decided to send her to another school. I just wish she'd disappear from my school.

If she does come to school, I wish she would get picked on. I wish people threw the volleyball at her head in gym class. I wish someone else would look at her and laugh and then whisper in their friend's ear. I wish Corden would publicly break up with her so that she runs out of school embarrassed and trips on her way out!

Maybe that's too mean. At least, I wish Serena would walk past me and not notice me, not say anything to me or about me. For just one day! Just one day where I'm not constantly on alert. One day where I don't feel like I'm being hunted down in the halls. One day where I could experience I normal day. 

I wish Serena Matthews was a nicer person.

A hushed telephone
with no dial tone or operator
The first ring of silence.

Ashamed; Secrets
surround, engulf, encircle
Layering a ring of silence.

Sin and tears--my fault--
a not-so merry-go-round
Normalizing a ring of silence.

Silence. Wring it out. 
Shh. It never happened.
A revolving ring of silence.

A gold band of secrets
Silent treatment shared,
Encasing ring of silence.

Tomb of stillness
finally peace and quiet!
The last ring of silence.

Meeting
for the first time
--our eyes!--
we laughed.

Stories;
tales of joy and woe
--oh, our chuckles!--
we laughed.

Words.
Those laughing words
--clutching our bellies!--
we laughed.

Chuckling.
Those carefree snickers
--I fell in love!--
and we laughed.

Years.
Moments of endless stories
--God, not again!--
You laughed.

Mistakes.
Dramatic sighs; wrongdoing;
--You idiot!--
I laughed.

Spite.
Those laughing words
--Our downfall!--
The lost laughed.

It starts out that my mom (a la Sojourney Weaver) needs to go and see Ms. River for advice on something she was keeping incredibly vague. "That's a long trip--nearly another island," says my apparent step-dad.

We--meaning my sister Linnie, brother Wesley (from the 1980's show Mr. Belvedere), my mom (Sojourney Weaver), step dad, and the plane/space ship/motor home's Familiar--depart immediately. After "take off" Mom starts doing a check of systems while step-dad takes over driving/flying. During her system checks, my mother finds my best friend, AJ (a boy with a jean jacket and red cap), hiding in a supply closet and throws him towards where we--the rest of the crew--were congregating.

The ride starts to get bumpy now. I look out my window to see that eight massive storms have begun and it begins to throw our vehicle all over the place. We begin to hydroplane--which means we are driving on the plane of air that sits upon the layer of evaporating water a few meters above the river. It's normal, but I could only picture us nosediving into the river and dying in a watery grave. It makes me uneasy so I sit in this gray faux-suede chair that was cushioned--much like the captain's chair in the van of my childhood--and I buckled myself in.

Anxiously, I squeezed the arms of the chair, absorbing all the bumps and throws of the vehicle as Wesley nervously paced from window to window. AJ sat unbuckled behind me, brooding that he was caught hiding on Mom's car/ship. Linnie sat on the arm of the chair in front of me. The Familiar, Mom, and my step-dad were not in the same section as us; they were in the cockpit.

The wind howled and knocked violently against the walls. My nails dug in deeper to the chair. Suddenly step-dad runs in and yells at us to strap ourselves in as tightly as we could. Seconds after he leaves us and bounds around the corner, the roof rips off just to the right of where we sat. I lost sight of Wesley but Linnie was gripping the seat tightly in front of me.

AJ hadn't had enough time to buckle in and flew up toward the hole in the roof. I reached out my hand, still gripping my chair with the other hand, and I gripped his index finger as it wrapped around mine. I pulled him back down slowly, working with the wind currents, until he was able to reach for both ends of his seat belt and wrap them around his waist securely.

Then, as if disappointed that the storm hadn't stolen AJ, the wind got worse, whipping my hair around as if  I was Medusa. My chest was tight (but not like when I have a nightmare, it was more like I was watching a scary movie; I'm scared but I know I can't get hurt) and I was wishing, over and over in my head, for this to end.

Suddenly a stream of angry wind swept through the compartment and Linnie popped out of her seat belt like a slippery bar of soap in a wet hand. She clawed at the headrest for dear life. I barely heard her screaming over the vicious wind. I reached out and grabbed her arms and she grabbed mine. I pulled her over the seat--she was flying in the strong wind currents. She was above me, holding my arms as I held hers, but it wasn't good enough. The wind was too strong. I pulled her closer, refusing to let her go to the storm. I unhooked my feet from the bar beneath my chair and wrapped my legs around her and then my arms as tightly as I could. I was at the mercy of my nylon seatbelt which was the only thing that kept me on the car/ship/plane. 

The wind grew stronger, angrier still. I could feel it coming between Linnie and me but I still held on, tighter now. Much tighter. I closed my eyes, feeling the power struggle. The only thing that was important was holding tightly onto Linnie.

Then, just as suddenly, the storm was gone. Linnie had gone limp in my arms. She blacked out from my tight grip, but I still held on with my eyes closed, feeling and smelling the scene around me, listening to my surroundings. AJ's breathing was fast and rapid behind me. Leaves and debris scattered into dark corners. The scent of wet metal filled the air. Our trip was not over but the ride was smoother now.

I did not open my eyes or release Linnie until I heard Wesley's voice. "Everyone okay?" he asked.

AJ stood up, wiped his pants (though it looked more like beating feeling back into them) and said, "Yeah. All good. What happened?"

Wesley scooped up Linnie and lied her down in a chair. "It's the river's storm," he said. "It's always there. Every traveler has to go through it."

I finally caught my voice but before I could talk, the Familiar came limping from around the corner. His gray hair weather-beaten and his T-shirt torn. "The River's Storm demands one life in return for passage," he explained.

Seeing AJ float towards the hole in the ceiling and then Linnie, flashed as memories in front of my eyes. "But we're all still here," I said as I felt the soft transitioning from hydroplaning to riding on land and felt grateful. "It tried to take AJ and then Linnie, but didn't get them," I added sneaking a peek at Linnie who was still knocked out.

Wesley turned to me with remorse in his eyes. "The four of us are here and Mom is driving. We are missing one," he replied.

It dawned on AJ and me at the same time that step-dad was gone, and I could only imagine how Mom would react when she found out.

As if on cue, Mom walked in and I noticed that the car/ship had stopped. When Wesley broke the news to her about step-dad, a sad realization broke across her face, but she pushed it away quickly. "We can deal with this later," she said, walking towards the supply closets. "We're in robo-lizard land and swarms are on their way. Suit up."

Without skipping a beat, everyone got into a pod--which were four seats, back-to-back on wheels with lazer-type guns. We wheeled out in four pods: Mom, Wesley, and Familiar were each in their own pods, while AJ, Linnie, and I were in another.

We wiped out the swarm of robo-lizards in no time and just as we were about to re-enter the car/ship, I saw a lizard disguised as driftwood near the base of the entry. It took 500 rounds to kill it, but I did. 

With the swarm gone, we needed to find shelter before another swarm came--they would be attracted to the car/ship and we needed to hide it to stay safe. Wesley, Familiar, and Mom guided the plane to an old base nearby but the car/ship/plane was much bigger than the base planes and we damaged it by squeezing it inside.

Mom was not concerned about the damage at all. Whatever she came all this way for was incredibly important: she lost her husband, damaged her ship, and put her children in danger. Determined on her mission, she left us at the base with the Familiar to mend and heal with his car/ship/plane. Before we secretly departed into the jungle after her, I woke up.