 NOTE: This series chronicles the wishes Tina writes in the Wish Journal she received from her aunt when she turned 13. To better understand Tina's character, be sure to read her other wishes in chronological order. Standing in front of the full length mirror, Tina smiled. She was wearing the dress again. The knee-length red dress that made it look like she had curves--the one Aunt Gemma bought her. Prom was approaching quickly and Aunt Gemma had taken Tina out to the mall in Aberdeen--a whole two hours away!--and they spent the day shopping for the perfect dress, and brand new shoes, and a necklace that made Tina feel like she was a movie star. It was all working out! Tina tried not to try on the dress every night, but when she got out of the shower and stood in her towel looking for pajamas, the dress begged to be worn. Each time Tina slipped into the dress, she readied herself to be disappointed by her reflection... that maybe the dress wasn't all that wonderful. Each time, though, she was wrong. For once in her life she looked and felt beautiful. She radiated with confidence. She was going to prom and people would finally notice her. Now if only she could get Quinn to notice her enough to take her. Quinn, the boy across the street. The boy she played with--was best friends with--until sixth grade, when he found out about girls, especially Katie Brown. He would wave hello and sometimes, if Tina left the house the same time he did, and if it was pouring rain or frigidly cold outside, he would offer her a ride to school. Quinn was the date she wanted to take to prom. Still wearing the red dress, she bit her lip and picked up the Wish Journal. Sometimes parts of her wishes came true, but she really wanted this one. She believed in the power of the red dress. Biting her lip, she picked up the pen that sat on top of her college applications and began to write. Wish #5: to go to prom with QuinnI wish that tomorrow morning I would wake up and feel like life was on my side--that I was light and happy. I'd walk out of the house with a smile on my face and see Quinn walking down his driveway. "Hey, Tina!" he'd say, waving me down as he crossed the street. I'd stop and wait for him to catch up and he'll ask me if I want a ride to school. Of course I'll say yes... but very passively. Very cool.
We'd drive up to school and he'd park the car, but not hop out right away and walk off without another word. He'd hesitate and his hair would fall in front of his face so that he'd run his hands through it. I'd sit patiently and ask, "You okay, Quinn?" and he'd avoid looking me in the eye and nod, nervous about how I'd react to him. Just as I am about to open the door and walk away with all the confidence in the world, Quinn would grab my hand and kiss me. "I've been wanting to do that since we were little," he'd say after we pulled away. "Do you want to go to prom with me, Tina?" and I would smile and say yes. And at prom he would show me off and everybody would say, "Is that Tina?" and "Who is that?" and "Who is that beautiful girl with Quinn?" and we would spend the night dancing and laughing and smiling. I wish for that dream to come true.
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 NOTE: This series chronicles the wishes Tina writes in the Wish Journal she received from her aunt when she turned 13. To better understand Tina's character, be sure to read her other wishes in chronological order. Tina frowned as she threw another shirt from her closet and onto her bed. The pile was growing quickly. At first she fell in love with the full length mirror she found at the Dollar Store and then tacked onto her closet door. But as the months went by, it turned into such a chore. It was summer. She was sixteen. Tina worked part-time at the ice cream store and the free samples were reflected in the mirror. There was supposed to be a bonfire down by the lake tonight. All of her friends were going. It was Kelsey's birthday party--there was a water trampoline, and rafts, and an abundant promise of timeless fun! It was all anyone talked about since invitations went out a month ago. Kelsey was a senior, but Tina worked with her sister at the ice cream shop and invited Tina (her sister allowed her to bring two friends in exchange for not being annoying during the party). This was the chance of a lifetime: to attend Kelsey Harding's eighteenth birthday party! And Mom agreed to it! Now, she just had to find an outfit and a bathing suit. Taking a break from her critical reflection, Tina sat against the wall, moving aside a sea of belongings that cluttered her bedroom floor. Sighing, she leaned her head against the wall and felt a stray breeze wander through the open window. Wish #4: To Be BeautifulI wish I was beautiful. I wish that my waist curved and didn't look so boxy. I wish my thighs didn't jiggle when I walked and that my nose was smaller and my front teeth didn't stick out as much. I wish my hair wasn't frizzy or got out of place five minutes after I brush it. I wish little wisps of hair didn't come out of my pony tail and that I didn't have that mole in the middle of my neck that looks like a bug crawling towards my chin.
I wish my neck was longer and my eyebrows were even. I wish I didn't hunch over as much--that my posture was better. I wish pimples wouldn't pop up on my forehead and that my skin wasn't so red. I wish my eyes were any other color but brown. I wish some stranger would see me and think that I'm pretty. I wish I had confidence in who I am... I wish I was happy with being me.  NOTE: This series chronicles the wishes Tina writes in the Wish Journal she received from her aunt when she turned 13. To better understand Tina's character, be sure to read her other wishes in chronological order. With the fire and fury of a high school freshman, Tina stomped her way down the hall and slammed the door of her bedroom. The picture frame beside her door swung on its nail, dangerously close to crashing to the ground. Tina groaned in frustration as she paced around her bed, in her small room. Why wouldn't her mother just understand? Times have changed since she was in high school. There were no more soda shoppes and do-wops! Why did her mother have to be so frustratingly uncooperative?! Picking up her rag doll, she screamed into its body and its braided yarn limbs dangled, helpless. The doll smelled like baby powder and it reminded her of her aunt. Her aunt would never have been so clueless. Tina dropped the rag doll and as she fell onto the creamy purple bedspread, the rag doll toppled to the floor. Bending down, she blindly searched the floor until her hands came across a hard rectangular object. Pulling it onto the bed with her, she found the Wish Journal she hadn't used all summer and most of the fall. Without hesitation, she opened to the next page and pulled out the pencil she had tucked into her ponytail. Wish #3: A Shopping Spree I wish I had a shopping spree where I could buy anything I wanted. I wish I could buy brand new clothes and shoes that nobody has worn but me. I wish I could buy those cool purple fake hair extensions you clip into your hair and a fake ear cuff that looks like a garden fairy hugging my ear.
I wish I could buy an iPod and buy all the cotton candy in the world for Carly. I wish I could show up to school in the coolest outfits and always look so put together. I wish I had pierced ears and necklaces and a cool gemstone ring that looked mystical and magical on my right hand. I wish that I could have just one new item. Just one. I wish I could walk into a department store and walk out with one new pair of shoes or a shirt, or stiff jeans that no one broke in yet. I wish Mom would let me buy those knee-high boots. I wish I could pay for them.  NOTE: This series chronicles the wishes Tina writes in the Wish Journal she received from her aunt when she turned 13. To better understand Tina's character, be sure to read her other wishes in chronological order.Tina ran straight into her bedroom and ignored the questions her mother called after her when she rushed in after school. Tears stung her eyes as she plopped down on her bed, her book bag full of homework still slung onto her back. It didn't matter. None of it mattered. Sobbing, Tina buried her head into her pillow, letting it soak up the salt-stinging memories that poured from her eyes. She even ignored the knocking and concerned pleas from her little sister, whose soft voice was heard just outside the door. And she never ignored Carly. The guilt added to the weight of her day as she picked up her head and moaned with the pain in her chest. Resting her head on the mattress, she tried to turning her gasping into slow breaths. Every once in a while she'd squeeze her eyes really tight to wring out the tears that didn't want to stop. That's when she saw the Wish Journal sitting just below her desk, under a dirty black and yellow striped sock. She had a wish at that moment; a strong wish. The kind of wish that makes you press the pen harder to the paper so that every page would know what you were writing. Wish #2: To make Serena disappearI wish Serena Matthews would disappear. I wish I'd show up to school tomorrow and she'd be gone, that her family moved in the middle of the night, or decided to send her to another school. I just wish she'd disappear from my school.
If she does come to school, I wish she would get picked on. I wish people threw the volleyball at her head in gym class. I wish someone else would look at her and laugh and then whisper in their friend's ear. I wish Corden would publicly break up with her so that she runs out of school embarrassed and trips on her way out! Maybe that's too mean. At least, I wish Serena would walk past me and not notice me, not say anything to me or about me. For just one day! Just one day where I'm not constantly on alert. One day where I don't feel like I'm being hunted down in the halls. One day where I could experience I normal day. I wish Serena Matthews was a nicer person.  NOTE: This series chronicles the wishes Tina writes in the Wish Journal she received from her aunt when she turned 13. To better understand Tina's character, be sure to read her other wishes in chronological order. It was a beautiful brown leather journal with silver studs on the cover. It was so beautiful that Tina didn't want to write in it. What if she ripped a page? What if she made a mistake and the eraser left smudges? Better not touch anything that beautiful. So it sat in the corner of her desk for weeks, slowly drowning in school papers, library books, and a winter hat that never found its way into closet storage, despite it being the end of April. Then one night, as Tina was agonizing over her math textbook, in the light of the desk lamp, her glassy eyes traveled to the leather-bound spine, which peeked out from behind pages of an old newspaper. Tina was desperate. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she pulled the Wish Journal from the shadows and opened to the first page. Wish #1: To pass this math test I wish to pass Mrs. Benji's stupid math test. I wish that I could magically understand math and not worry about passing the eighth grade because of stupid numbers.
I wish that tomorrow, when Mrs. Benji hands me the math test, every light bulb ever will go on in my head and the test will be a breeze. That I was the first person done... and not the last. I wish that when Mrs. Benji hands back the test, she asks to speak with me because I was the top score... not the bottom. And that she would smile and not make me feel like I've failed her and everyone else. I wish that I could understand math so I could make Momma proud and be a good big sister. I wish I didn't have to struggle so much to be average.  A hushed telephone
with no dial tone or operator The first ring of silence. Ashamed; Secrets surround, engulf, encircle Layering a ring of silence. Sin and tears--my fault-- a not-so merry-go-round Normalizing a ring of silence. Silence. Wring it out. Shh. It never happened. A revolving ring of silence. A gold band of secrets Silent treatment shared, Encasing ring of silence. Tomb of stillness finally peace and quiet! The last ring of silence.  Meeting
for the first time --our eyes!-- we laughed. Stories; tales of joy and woe --oh, our chuckles!-- we laughed. Words. Those laughing words --clutching our bellies!-- we laughed. Chuckling. Those carefree snickers --I fell in love!-- and we laughed. Years. Moments of endless stories --God, not again!-- You laughed. Mistakes. Dramatic sighs; wrongdoing; --You idiot!-- I laughed. Spite. Those laughing words --Our downfall!-- The lost laughed.  NOTE: Have you ever dreamt like you were in a movie? I was reading through a journal I kept a few years ago and came across this dream I recorded because it was so intense. I wanted to share it. Bear with me, as it starts out choppy like most dreams do. It starts out that my mom (a la Sojourney Weaver) needs to go and see Ms. River for advice on something she was keeping incredibly vague. "That's a long trip--nearly another island," says my apparent step-dad. We--meaning my sister Linnie, brother Wesley (from the 1980's show Mr. Belvedere), my mom (Sojourney Weaver), step dad, and the plane/space ship/motor home's Familiar--depart immediately. After "take off" Mom starts doing a check of systems while step-dad takes over driving/flying. During her system checks, my mother finds my best friend, AJ (a boy with a jean jacket and red cap), hiding in a supply closet and throws him towards where we--the rest of the crew--were congregating. The ride starts to get bumpy now. I look out my window to see that eight massive storms have begun and it begins to throw our vehicle all over the place. We begin to hydroplane--which means we are driving on the plane of air that sits upon the layer of evaporating water a few meters above the river. It's normal, but I could only picture us nosediving into the river and dying in a watery grave. It makes me uneasy so I sit in this gray faux-suede chair that was cushioned--much like the captain's chair in the van of my childhood--and I buckled myself in. Anxiously, I squeezed the arms of the chair, absorbing all the bumps and throws of the vehicle as Wesley nervously paced from window to window. AJ sat unbuckled behind me, brooding that he was caught hiding on Mom's car/ship. Linnie sat on the arm of the chair in front of me. The Familiar, Mom, and my step-dad were not in the same section as us; they were in the cockpit. The wind howled and knocked violently against the walls. My nails dug in deeper to the chair. Suddenly step-dad runs in and yells at us to strap ourselves in as tightly as we could. Seconds after he leaves us and bounds around the corner, the roof rips off just to the right of where we sat. I lost sight of Wesley but Linnie was gripping the seat tightly in front of me. AJ hadn't had enough time to buckle in and flew up toward the hole in the roof. I reached out my hand, still gripping my chair with the other hand, and I gripped his index finger as it wrapped around mine. I pulled him back down slowly, working with the wind currents, until he was able to reach for both ends of his seat belt and wrap them around his waist securely. Then, as if disappointed that the storm hadn't stolen AJ, the wind got worse, whipping my hair around as if I was Medusa. My chest was tight (but not like when I have a nightmare, it was more like I was watching a scary movie; I'm scared but I know I can't get hurt) and I was wishing, over and over in my head, for this to end. Suddenly a stream of angry wind swept through the compartment and Linnie popped out of her seat belt like a slippery bar of soap in a wet hand. She clawed at the headrest for dear life. I barely heard her screaming over the vicious wind. I reached out and grabbed her arms and she grabbed mine. I pulled her over the seat--she was flying in the strong wind currents. She was above me, holding my arms as I held hers, but it wasn't good enough. The wind was too strong. I pulled her closer, refusing to let her go to the storm. I unhooked my feet from the bar beneath my chair and wrapped my legs around her and then my arms as tightly as I could. I was at the mercy of my nylon seatbelt which was the only thing that kept me on the car/ship/plane. The wind grew stronger, angrier still. I could feel it coming between Linnie and me but I still held on, tighter now. Much tighter. I closed my eyes, feeling the power struggle. The only thing that was important was holding tightly onto Linnie. Then, just as suddenly, the storm was gone. Linnie had gone limp in my arms. She blacked out from my tight grip, but I still held on with my eyes closed, feeling and smelling the scene around me, listening to my surroundings. AJ's breathing was fast and rapid behind me. Leaves and debris scattered into dark corners. The scent of wet metal filled the air. Our trip was not over but the ride was smoother now. I did not open my eyes or release Linnie until I heard Wesley's voice. "Everyone okay?" he asked. AJ stood up, wiped his pants (though it looked more like beating feeling back into them) and said, "Yeah. All good. What happened?" Wesley scooped up Linnie and lied her down in a chair. "It's the river's storm," he said. "It's always there. Every traveler has to go through it." I finally caught my voice but before I could talk, the Familiar came limping from around the corner. His gray hair weather-beaten and his T-shirt torn. "The River's Storm demands one life in return for passage," he explained. Seeing AJ float towards the hole in the ceiling and then Linnie, flashed as memories in front of my eyes. "But we're all still here," I said as I felt the soft transitioning from hydroplaning to riding on land and felt grateful. "It tried to take AJ and then Linnie, but didn't get them," I added sneaking a peek at Linnie who was still knocked out. Wesley turned to me with remorse in his eyes. "The four of us are here and Mom is driving. We are missing one," he replied. It dawned on AJ and me at the same time that step-dad was gone, and I could only imagine how Mom would react when she found out. As if on cue, Mom walked in and I noticed that the car/ship had stopped. When Wesley broke the news to her about step-dad, a sad realization broke across her face, but she pushed it away quickly. "We can deal with this later," she said, walking towards the supply closets. "We're in robo-lizard land and swarms are on their way. Suit up." Without skipping a beat, everyone got into a pod--which were four seats, back-to-back on wheels with lazer-type guns. We wheeled out in four pods: Mom, Wesley, and Familiar were each in their own pods, while AJ, Linnie, and I were in another. We wiped out the swarm of robo-lizards in no time and just as we were about to re-enter the car/ship, I saw a lizard disguised as driftwood near the base of the entry. It took 500 rounds to kill it, but I did. With the swarm gone, we needed to find shelter before another swarm came--they would be attracted to the car/ship and we needed to hide it to stay safe. Wesley, Familiar, and Mom guided the plane to an old base nearby but the car/ship/plane was much bigger than the base planes and we damaged it by squeezing it inside. Mom was not concerned about the damage at all. Whatever she came all this way for was incredibly important: she lost her husband, damaged her ship, and put her children in danger. Determined on her mission, she left us at the base with the Familiar to mend and heal with his car/ship/plane. Before we secretly departed into the jungle after her, I woke up. How's that for a dream? And it was only a nap! I was reading a cozy mystery book (that had nothing to do with sci-fi) and fell asleep. I remember waking up and just HAD to write it all down. In hindsight, I might have been watching too many Dr. Who and Firefly episodes during that period of my life. #dreamsofacreativewriter In a time of pop hits and Top 20s, we are a classic symphony;
a seamlessly perfect piece that took ages to complete; a story told between the lines, when given a chance to speak; a harmony dismissed by the masses in trendy brand names. We are a dance of percussion and strings-- the intertwining web of violin and cello; a building crescendo of passion and a steady release of compassion. We will move in beautiful, hypnotic unison, Dolce. And when the symbols clash, we rise to our feet, together. Forte, fortissimo. Molto vivace. Sforzando. The tempo races wildly like heartbeats. And as the world raves and rages for immediate satisfaction, our symphony will bring beautiful tears and true emotions, Sempre. Countless generations will be left in awe of our timeless story; our patience, our love, our faith, the infallible flow of music. The universal composer is still working, still perfecting our piece because masterpieces come with struggles and years of work; building & breaking, ups & downs, ebbs & flows, life & death. A Symphony, my love, is what we are; what we've been waiting our lives for. Until then, I will be the cadenza and you can be the crescendo. One unknowing day, our separate melodies will find their resolution and we will make perfect, beautiful, breath-taking sense together; our solos becoming a timeless ensemble; a perfectly crafted symphony.  A message in a bottle--
writing crawls across the paper like pulsating veins; a secret bottled up like a spirit that alters the mind, corked with a dream, a hope, a desperation. Sandcastles-- a facade of strength decoded in whimsy, made with the crumbling shards of rock that were no match for the ocean. Tidepools-- a world inside of a world, like goldfish in a jar. We poke and prod and pretend we are gods while they swim for their lives, floating in oblivion. Sea foam-- A garden of souls tumbles on the waves, collecting in the graveyard of rocks, where seaweed drags across the art of gods. Beachgrass- like a god that patiently watches, silently needing help, and hoping not to get trampled by humanity. Clouds-- scrape across the sky; a thinning patience, and those who see without doing. Breezes-- invisible, but determined to be heard; a calming nuisance that sticks its nose in everything. |
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